Category Archives: Gardening

Yet more ways to become more manly

Increase your manliness

I just got a book about testosterone loss in men after age 50. It says right there that weeding a garden or just plain weeding is a sure way to make some gains in the testosterone department, (actually I am making this up and none of this is true). However, it is true that intensive weeding can really get your heart pumping and it’s possible that it will help you to produce magnificent muscles, helping to create taunt men all over the world. And while I have not been at it long enough to personally show any of these gains, I can personally attest to the fact that the practice does wonders for one’s focus, if not one’s overall perspective on life.

Weeding at the pits has been rather constant but not overly time consuming. A few weeks ago, there was a certain omnipresent weed which was about to go to seed. And most of them were cut down in their prime before they could do so.

This weed was omnipresent, cut down in its prime, before it could go to seed.

The vines are almost impossible to get rid of and these vine runners average over 5 feet long. This is war!

Another constant battle is undertaken with the dominant vines. They are literally everywhere and have deep roots which seem to go on forever making them hard to control. Each strand stretches about 5 feet before it becomes a runner, burrows itself into the ground and extends the root system anew. These vines are hardy and tenacious and represent one of the most difficult aspects of clearing the pits. And this battle is far from over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A side benefit of weeding the vines is that the roots may perhaps (although still completely unknown) just might be of some medicinal value. They also might be poison, so it’s strongly suggested that you don’t try to consume them at home until the safety aspect can be verified. That aside, from their appearance, the roots bear a strong resemblance to ginseng root which has been used for centuries for it’s medicinal properties. They also strongly resemble mandrake which is often associated with the occult and is known to have hallucinogenic properties.

Highly valued on the black market?

How manly can you get?

If this won’t make a man outa ya, then nothing will!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is possible that the eating of these vine roots or drinking them as tea, may in fact cause an increase in your manhood. Or else this theory should be simply disregarded as a foolish rumor which you should not follow, because in addition to the possibility of these roots increasing your manhood, they may also cause you to hallucinate and die or even worse, just die without the hallucinations.

So proceed with caution. The exact species of this vine is not even currently known. It may be that even touching it may cause one to be delusional. It is possible that this is what’s happening as I write this post. At the very least, more information on this matter is highly desirable before actual benefits or side effects can be know.

 

––Dean Heagle: President,  Margaret Corbin Provisional Horseshoe Pitching League

Other ways to be a man

Increase your manliness

If you can’t muster carrying big bags of sand, there are many other ways to increase your manliness. I’ve discovered that an effective method is by planting flowers which inevitably necessitates some type of eco-terrorism.

These are not the actual Dahlias at the horseshoe pit but instead represent wishful thinking.

This year it was decided to plant Dahlias mostly because the bulbs were half price when I was arranging the purchase of sand at the home center in the Bronx. Going to the home center is also a good way to increase your manliness. And going to the home center in the Bronx, has been shown to be even more effective.

The cheap price of the Dahlia bulbs was the plus side, but the down side, that I only learned later, was that Dahlias are a bit fussy and will likely not get sufficient attention at the horseshoe pits. Also, they should have been planted 2 months earlier, hence I suppose, the half off sale. So, fingers crossed about the Dahlias.

At the home center, I was also able to acquire a 40lb. bag of potting soil and a really huge bag of wildflower seeds, enough to plant a large field. Last week, all of the above were planted, sown and/or scattered. The planting area was dug up, aerated and weeded. Even with the additional quality soil I brought in, the overall solid quality is quite poor. And I also imagine that no one will be showing up to water anything which is a problem since NYC summers can be very hot and not very wet. So let’s see what happens.

Eco-terrorism? Adding new soil and plants may be good, but inevitably the immediate existing ecosystem suffers.

I have done so much weeding in the horseshoe pits that I’m considering updating my resume to include a section on “eco-terrorism.” We still somewhat practice the “live and let live policy”, but really every week, just in the interests of keeping the playing field clear, we have been responsible for the death of dozens, if not hundreds of plants. And getting ready for planting has certainly wiped out whole eco-systems. And yet I don’t really feel that guilty about any of this. I am not killing or weeding without purpose. After all, I am a man. And every time I cut something down it’s just a re-affirmation of my manhood. So, you could argue that I just can’t help it. Or alternatively, that the Dahlias and wildflowers will be worth it and preferable to what was already there. Even if the former explanation tends to hold true, I still prefer the latter explanation.

 

––Dean Heagle: President,  Margaret Corbin Provisional Horseshoe Pitching League